Does being engaged mean you forfeit all contact with friends of the opposite sex?
Recently, a friend told me that her fiance is attending an out-of-town conference and plans to sleep on some friends' couch. This seemed pretty standard until she told me that the friends were females. She then asked: Is it unseemly for a married or engaged man to sleep on the couch of his female friends? She isn't at all worried about the situation and asked from a curiosity perspective, but I'm sure it's a question that has come up in many other relationships. So, let's look at it in more depth:
Question: Is a man in a serious relationship (or any relationship) allowed to stay with female friends?
Answer: As long as you trust your boyfriend/fiance/husband (which she does), and the women in question aren't out to steal your man (in this case one is engaged and one is in a long-term relationship, so we're good), then it is 100 percent okay for him to sleep on their couch.
Some people may give you a weird look when you tell them your significant other is staying with people of the opposite sex, but all that matters is your confidence in the relationship and comfort level.
However, if you don't like the idea of him staying with female friends, don't turn it into a giant fight. Here are some things you should avoid saying:
- "I don't trust you."- Now, instead of a conversation about your partner's accommodations, you've turned it into an argument about the problems in your relationship.
- "She's such a ___ (insert any derogatory remark)!"- Tearing someone else down, especially one of your significant other's friends, is never a good idea. This makes it really easy to choose sides, and he probably isn't going to choose yours if you're being nasty.
- "I would rather you not even go."- If this is for a work trip then it really isn't an option. Also, again, you're asking someone to choose. This never ends well.
- "You never do what I want you to do."- This is the perfect way to put someone on the defensive and make them less likely to do what you want. Also, really, he NEVER does what you want? Don't use generalizations and absolutes. It'll only get you into trouble when he can prove you wrong.
- "Do you not care about me and my feelings?" -Your significant other is probably trying to save money and convenience. Don't take it so personally. Also, don't play the victim.
Instead, try explaining your reasons for not wanting your partner to go in a logical and calm manner. If you have true concerns, definitely voice them! However, make sure they are legitimate and not petty examples. You're more likely to get your way and end up looking like the good guy. Also, as always, think before you talk.
Manners Moral: If you're in a relationship, you shouldn't micromanage everything your partner does. And, if you feel like you need to, then you may want to look into a different relationship. You can also look at it this way: The money your significant other saves on a hotel can be used for a romantic getaway together.
What do you think about this situation? If you have any etiquette questions you need answered, email me at makingupmanners@gmail.com or find me on Twitter @makingupmanners.